Dutch Pain

After Caleb's very last T-ball game of the season, I got the great idea of spending the rest of the day at Dutch Wonderland, an amusement park 2 hours away. So off we went. It was a nice, well laid out park geared entirely towards the younger crowd (9 year olds and under). The boys had a blast. Dan ate funnel cake. Caleb and Elijah were almost able to finish off a cotton candy (I'm proud that they didn't!). 2 lemonades, several kiddie rides, a diving show (this was easily Elijah's favorite part)

one semi-decent roller coaster (that Caleb LOVED), and a good lounge by the splash park (Caleb got drenched while Elijah adamantly refused to venture beyond trying to squelch the singular spouts of water) and we were ready to call it a day. But not before getting one of these pics!

So yesterday, I went to the picnic for MOPs (after being thoroughly cheered by an unexpected phone call from Jess!) with Caleb (didn't want to deal with 2 kids and a pool plus three dozen other people). I was exhausted, crabby, and feeling rather anti-social (this was only compounded by the fact that no one was talking to me!). But after a half hour it got better and I had several interesting conversations. Plus Caleb had an awesome time swimming (he will be so happy once we get into our new house with the pool!).

Today, I wish I could die. I thought all I needed was to be completely caffeinated all hours of the day in order to make a semi-normal life for myself. Apparently I forgot about the pain part of the deal. Ugh. It feels like someone is squeezing the marrow out of my bones and twisting my muscles into knots. Fun Fun!

So I shall find myself a nice seat and make a home there, pray for well-behaved boys, and hope that OTC painkillers will at least help a little.

Collage Time!

We had a great time, sitting on the kitchen floor getting all gluey picking out pictures for our collages. And afterwards Caleb made a game of cleaning up the scraps (as always a good guy vs bad guy game).

Here is Elijah's. I helped cut out the pieces and put the glue on. He picked the pictures and placement.

Notice the messy plate of spaghetti? This was on the same page as the one Caleb chose which was a neat plate of spaghetti! Just like my boys!

I love Caleb's! He has the Oxy bottle (which both boys picked without knowing the other had as well!) and a washer and dryer! The kid likes clean! I just noticed he glued a little blurb (it's upside down in the square) entitled "I Love this Country." Patriotic, too, I guess?

Ok, so I couldn't just watch the fun. I made one, too *giggle* It was fun, and I was doing it long after they lost interest. I wish I would think to do this kind of stuff more often...

Cluttered and Disagreeable

My oh so sweet darling lovely friend told me I was cluttered and disagreeable. Isn't that nice? But it begs the question... um, am I? Let's see... cluttered? My person is rarely cluttered. I in fact find it most unfortunate when that occurs because it means only one thing (as I do not accessorize): tis much too much cold. Hats, scarves, gloves, layers and layers and layers... it makes me want to scream, tear off my clothes and run around butt naked. Bad visual, sorry. My space is cluttered. Oh yeah, definetely. Hmmm.... maybe that's what she means. But it's not entirely my fault! My husband is a serial clutterbug and I have two young boys that think the command, "Take off your clothes," means stopping dead in their tracks and removing each and every item and leaving it in a display of artful indifference on the floor. *sigh*

Am I disagreeable? No way! I do NOT concur! ....wait.... Ok, maybe sometimes I may pipe up to say something contradictory. But I do it out of love, goshdarnit! Besides it is a family legacy. To be disagreeable in my family just means your breathing still. Arguing is a pasttime, a hobby. We even won the inter-county championship of Michigan for debating the longest without falling into weak rebuttals of "nuh uh" and "yeah, well you're stupid!" We didn't agree with the trophy (actually Kyle wanted it, but we spent so much time debating over whether or not he should get it that Jesse snuck in and squirreled the trophy away).

Ok, I promised less introspection and more facts. Here's what I know: I figured out why I blog (expect an introspective blog on that one later!), the constant drizzling rain reminds me too much of Washington state, my kids have completely lost their minds and spend most of their time making inhuman noises or fighting over everything (today it was my grocery list), I really want to homeschool .... and yet that and all else ambition waits on that state of my health (frustrating!).

If today goes as planned, I will actually make dinner, bathe the children, construct yet another BF (blanket fort - not best friend! lol) for Caleb and Dan's campout in the AZ room tonight, sit down and make collages with the boys (if that happens I'll take pics and post here).

I miss you all! I hope to make a trip to Arizona in August (this time for 2 weeks!) so keep that in your prayers!

Do I know how?

Do I know how to blog without being analytical and introspective? LOL

I honestly ask this question because I'd love to have a place for people to come and see how and what I'm doing in my life. Not that my life is so grand and full of excitement. But I think people tend to ask the question from time to time... "I wonder how Katie is doing?" It's unanswerable unless that person is rather odd and is actually directing the question at me. Which really isn't that odd in my experience actually... I have some weird friends and family! But the point is, I am rarely on the phone, a lax email user, and have been known to for no reason what so ever fail to get back to people in a timely manner. I'm actually a little surprised I have any friends! LOL

So, here goes... I will try to keep the introspection on the back burner for the most part and try to just give the facts of life (I really hope that song is now playing in your head!). And for all you curious kids out there, my previous posts are loaded with introspection and not even remotely intended for your eyes. Oh well.

I'll initiate this newly renovated blog by sharing this picture.

Here's Caleb and Elijah enjoying the blanket fort I made for them in the living room. We've been into BF construction now for the past 2 days and with the forecast filled with rainy days, we could easily perfect our form :)

When I wasn't the same...

I tell the story often enough that one would think I could explain how I got from the dark cave of depression to pounding the road towards a life given, not earned and full of joy.



Seven years ago, I lived in a studio apartment that had one window. I was a newlywed with bruises and an inanimate best friend. I spent my days in a fog of thoughtless stupor consulting my best friend for distraction... Beat the Geeks, Different Strokes, Days of our Lives.... I was the front runner for wasting time and avoiding life. I wanted to die. I thought about it a lot. I cried a lot. I couldn't figure out why I existed, why God had made me... an average girl with crippling fatigue and endless pain. Why even after trying to do all the right things I had ended up in the dark cave of directionless depression. I had expected rewards, accolades, success for making all the right choices. I kept replaying it over in my head... My advisor, a christian man at a christian school telling me I didn't belong there... that I wasn't fit to serve God in a full time ministry. At that point in my life, God was a distant entity. He mainly observed with His arms folded sternly across His chest. He was not a smiling radiant hope. He was not a beacon in the storm... no, there was no greater storm in my life than the God that I saw. Serious. Strict. Glaring. A virtual hurricane of disapproval. So I approached Him cowering, ashamed, hating myself, beating myself, a sick pride of masochism deep in my heart.



I noted all my failures. I saw no success. I was beat. Defeated by my own imperfections, kicked down by the world, missing all the marks. I fell short of everyone's approval and I finally sat down.



These were dark days. I didn't want to numb any of my pain with drugs or alcohol. I wanted to feel the punishment I felt I deserved. I believed I deserved every bit of emotional and physically agony I was given. But this time, I hoped that it led to death. I felt worthless, a mistake at best, an ultimate failure with no potential worth investing in.



It's no mistake however, how much I needed to reach that point. I absolutely needed to throw out what everyone thought of me. I stripped it down to me. I suddenly wasn't trying to please anyone anymore. Not my parents, not teachers, not friends, and not God. I still desperately wanted approval, but I was growing ever more angry that people were so harsh and unforgiving with me. Doing nothing was exactly what I needed to do, to prove a point to others and mainly myself. I was tired. I couldn't play that game anymore. Not physically. Not emotionally.



Deep down, I knew God loved me. I spent most of my life denying the how's of that fact. I never believed He actually loved me in my entirety. I couldn't believe that and simaltaneously maintain a groveling position that I had grown accustomed to. I was taught that gratitude was the motiviation for good behavior. But I was not taught the thing I was to be the most grateful for. I was grateful for the external blessings of my life... food, house, family, safety, education.. etc. I never knew how much He loved ME, personally and completely.



Stripped of the world's expectations, I had to consult the One who made me. Why? I asked over and over... sometimes through tears, sometimes in quiet musings, sometimes in frustration and anger. Why did you make ME? I knew He had a purpose in all things... This was the first time I had to confront the truth that He had a purpose in me... little old me.



So I began a slow quiet journey pondering this thought: what does God think of me? While part of me was comfortable with the angry stern Super God, there was another part of me that just wanted a Daddy. I just wanted Him to hold me and reassure me... that I was ok, that things were ok, that things would get better. And He did. There was no great vision or epiphany... What happened next did change my life forever, however.



My great grandmother died. No shocker, she was old and senile. But it brought family together. A few weeks later, my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. A month later, my grandpa (my dad's stepfather) was diagnosed with skin cancer. Two months later, my sister was informed she had breast cancer.



How did this affect my internal process? Depression is a dark and lonely place filled with mirrors. Strangely enough, the barrage of family illness acted as a crane to lift me out of my dark hole of self-reflection. I had no choice but to focus on the present issues of others. I sat with my dad in his hospital room. My whole world tilted... I did lose my dad in a sense because of his cancer and how it changed his life choices. I did lose my grandfather when the cancer took his life a year and a half later. And I gained a sister when her cancer brought her closer to God and changed her heart.



I crawled through 21 years of my life, never knowing that God was beside me not just above me. I stopped and sat down and cried, not knowing that God was holding me. I gradually started looking around me and at myself. Then... I looked up! Praise God.. there He was! And He was smiling and His arms were wide open. He took my hand and for the first time ever, I was walking. My head up I felt the sunshine, I saw the beauty of His world. And He brought me to a mirror... I was hesitant. I did not want to see what a wretch I was. His love was amazing as long as I didn't have to think about how unworthy I was. But He lifted my chin and said, "Look, please... just look." So I did. And I saw a little girl standing with her Daddy. I saw how lovingly He looked at me. I saw that I wasn't dirty or ugly, I was beautiful! ...And behind the mirror was a bloody and beaten Jesus... holding the mirror was a cross. And I saw for the first time what I should be grateful for. Sadness and joy converged into a flood of tears. I fell at His feet. "...thank you... thank you..." it was all I could do or say. Knowing I could not even began to pay Him back for all of this, I said what I believe was what He wanted to hear all along, "I am yours. Let me live for you in your world. Show me the way, Father." We embraced, He stroked my hair, pulled me away to look at me in the eyes, "Daughter, I am always with you. I will be with you every step of the way. Don't ever forget that, ok?"



.... So when the darkness of the world seeps into my heart, I remember what He told me what He still tells me everyday. The sun rises because He is still there. He is still here. And I have His words, His promises to bring me back to a sunny day in front of the mirror of Christ. I have His love to warm me from the coldness of others. I have the hope He gave me to keep me on track. He is with me... every step of the way... my Daddy.

peace and love,
kate

God Loves to Surprise Us

Romans 4:16 "People receive God's promises by having faith. This happens so the promise can be a free gift."



I love Max Lucado. I love the way he writes, how he surprises me with simplicity. March 14 in his Grace for the Moment Vol II was exactly what I needed to hear today. Though I credit him less than I credit an amazingly loving and intimate Father.



I never know whether it is a good idea to be so blatantly honest about my short-comings and flaws. But it strikes me often as the right thing to do... as the temptation to be proud is so very near and my upbringing also inspires such humility :) So this is the raw shameful truth of how this morning was spent: in tears, in self-pity, and a sense of unfairness. The great worldly truth of my situation hit me hard this week. I was alone thousands of miles away from everyone I loved. Stuck in the house with two energetic young boys. Cloudy cold days blew across the yard. I watched as Reba shivered and Ando barked at squirrels.

I started to feel as though someone had put me in a glass case, imprisoning me with freezing weather and endless miles land, rolling hills giving way to swamp, then desert... the epitome of desert stretching through parched thirsty eternal ground. My sight became distorted. I couldn't see the light through the clouds anymore. I sought God's joy in Word. I admit that Ezekiel isn't the most cheery chapter in the story of God's people. I even found my grey heart plodding through the meaninglessness of Solomon's Ecclesiastes. Even the bittersweet twist of the last chapter left me wanting.



I searched for coincidence in my life and readings and found king David. I couldn't piece that together, and I started to believe I was trying too hard. I stumbled through my days. Hiding from my kids, losing myself in Friends, grateful for the laughter it instigated. I decided I should write, so I began a story. I learned a lesson in friendship from a dear friend. The clouds seemed to settle lower and heavier. I wanted to find meaning and purpose but felt powerless and insufficient. I prayed for other people. I cried on the dining room table missing my family and friends.



I figured my husband could be more supportive and turned on him. I pushed him away out of fear of being utterly alone. I translated his actions (and inactions) into words that were intended (unintentionally) to hurt me and leave me completely isolated.



How many more people could I find fault in? Who else could I blame for the funk I had found?



Under it all, I knew it was me and my putrid attitude. It stunk from the core of me polluting the air around me til I was physically sick from it. Even the taste of food, the idea of food lost its appeal. Perhaps the idea of feeding the disgusting rot in my gut has been convincing enough to discourage the normal pang of hunger my body invariably evokes.

And it all boils down to impatience and a lack of seeing things unseen. I need to learn how to live in this world and still be heaven focused. How do I maintain involvement where I am and still see the bigger picture and trust in the invisible nature of what that entails? Can I be that detached from earthly matters and still love and find purpose while my feet are still under me? The conflict rages eternally in my heart and head. Push and pull. Humanity vs soul. I desire to perfect this delicate balance and the irony lies therein. After the daily battles, exhuastion, and open wounds I came home to this idea: I need God for everything. EVERYTHING. I need God to fight my battles. I need God to release my fears, my lonliness, to figure out my life.

I seem to think that after so much leaning and learning that I will eventually be able to do it on my own. I never stop to think how that could happen, or why I would desire such a thing. Because surely if I had I would conclude the insanity of it. The motivational error itself is astounding. The end result is agonizing... a life without God, a life denying His power, His control. This is not what I want by any means.

Back to Max Lucado... He reminded me that God gives us things in such surprising ways. While we see one thing, hope and pray for things, He has the greatest thing in store for us. And while we think up these small obvious solutions for our own lives, God is working out a far better idea and placing it in front of us at the best time. All this and I still sit and feel lost and anxious. I honestly believe most of the time that I could be doing so much more, spending my time more wisely. And maybe that is still true. But I don't need to feel guilty about it! God knows my heart and He knows I search for His guidance and His will. And He also knows how deaf I am to hear Him, how blind I am to see how plainly He cares about my life, my every day run of the mill life!

I get to be reminded endlessly about His love. I am afforded the ability to live another day in His world, in His care. He is ridiculously forgiving and patient with me. He knows I will forget again, that I will try to run my own life, beat myself up for not fulfilling a purpose unknown to me... that I will cease trusting Him and cry in anxiety and self-pity. How many times will He surprise me with His love?

......I love the answer.... Forever. Endlessly. Throughout eternity. Without fail. Constantly. Unconditionally. Immensely. Without limits!

Beyond these clouds, I believe in the Son. Inside my grey heart, is joy unending. All this ... for free? I'm out of words....

peace and love,
kate

Everyday

Nothing about my everyday life is worth writing about. My feelings, reactions, thoughts about the past, future and where I am now are nothing new. I feel a little Solomonesque today :) What's the point of blogging? I was asked that somewhat recently by my sis. Why blog? I have to admit the question has not yet been answered for me. Why do I blog? What do I hope to accomplish? Am I hoping to accomplish?... now, frankly that doesn't sound very much like me - goal focused! Ha! Here, this one is for Leah... "I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal." (Peter La Fleur in Dodgeball)

So... yes, I am in fact sitting here spending time blogging even though I don't have any real good reason to do so. But then again did I really have an answer when Pastor Spencer asked Dan and me why we wanted to have kids? Our exact answer was .. pause... look at each other... bigger pause... stare at floor...a shrug and then "I don't know... because God says we should?"

Macaroni, the phantom chaser

Why do we have pets?

Why do we dance in public?

Certainly I could answer that it is for mere enjoyment - yay! But pets and children are a lot of work. And dancing can be just as enjoyable at home.. why go to a club? Why not write in a journal?

Truth is I Iove writing. I feel a little directionless lately though. Where am I writing what? Why am I writing how? Questions for nothing... I need a something. I need inspiration. This blog is but a weak solution to a strong yearning. It's as though the need to write something (anything!) builds up inside up me until I can do nothing but dry heave this dribble. It's a pathetic shame. On the brighter side, I like have a nice collection of music here as I own very few of these songs. Kudos to the internet and the ability to plug in!

Death Cab for Cutie is a must have stand by for anytime listening - pure enjoyment!

Pinback has a repetitive sound that occurs in a great deal of their music - I still love it immensely - kind of a laid back feel good tuneage.

MercyMe is a surprise to me... I never thought I liked them as much as I do as they have a tiny bit of country twang that I tend to avoid. I also noticed their focus is on heaven - I love that!

Yael Naim - funky indie sound that I innately am drawn to.. I wish to have more of this for my listening pleasure. The thing about indie is how hit and miss it is... But, oh! to find a rare and talented gem like Yael is cause for celebration!

Downhere and Shawn McDonald are worth coupling because of how I feel about them both. There is a unique quality to each that will always draw me in and endear me to each new song.

I don't understand people who don't have a profound respect and love for music - good music. It is so much a part of who I am that bits of songs come out in conversations randomly. To remove music from my life would be the greatest torture and would change me irrevocably.

Tangent done, so is blog post :)

peace and love,
katie