Saturday, December 17, 2011

It Doesn't Make Sense...

I woke up this morning with a headache.  

When I tried to sit up, my heart started pounding and I felt faint.

No, I'm not sick.

I have God allowed limitations.  I've discussed this before.  I've bemoaned the seeming smallness of my existence in terms of accomplishment and unquenched ambition.  

But it's a lovely thing to admit that am no longer disappointed in this state of being.

I love my life.  Honestly.  Whole-heartedly.  I am in love with what God has given me. 

Even today as I endure burning pain from a yesterday spent in unregrettable busy.  

Even today as I listen to fighting kids.

Even today as I ponder how to make the best use of the two rooms in my mother's house she has graciously allowed us to use as a transitionary home until we depart for Kenya.

It doesn't make sense...  but I am brimming with joy.

But then again, God's love doesn't make sense.  My Father did not just forgive my aberrant ways and allow me to continue to live amongst the incredible blessings of this world.  

He did not just put me back where I should have been.

No.  I can't even believe it most of the time, but He BLESSED me above and beyond what I could ever pretend to earn from a life lived in near complete obedience. 

How can I not just LOVE this God?  The One who made everything... but then saved His ultimate affection for ME!  (and you, too... of course)  And when He found us in sin, HE made the sacrifice to right our relationship with Him.  And then HE takes the sin we still conceive, the evils of the world and says "I will will make this even better for you than you can imagine."  

His love is so incomprehensible, I am frustrated by worded limitations and my own addled mind.  But my soul... through it, through the Holy Spirit (God dwelling in me?!  Amazingly insane!) I can perceive a taste of something so great all I can do in melt in His arms and dream of living with Him forever.

How can I NOT just adore our God?  How can I not praise Him with every breath?  Emotion aside, I KNOW this truth that stirs in my heart even in pain.  Even when my world seems broken by difficult relationships, I can hear my soul singing "God is enough... and so much more."  

And I hang on to this.  Yahweh has blessed me with this knowing.  He has allowed me to be humbled before Him, to SEE how small I am, how much I truly need Him.  And what's more - how much I desperately love Him in all things. No. Matter. What.

Some might say, it doesn't make sense what we are doing... packing up our lives and moving to Africa.  Some might say, it doesn't make sense that we have no set plans, no organization that we are a part of, that we have no training or discernable skills of which to speak.  Some might say, it doesn't make sense to have such peace and joy during the stresses and changes of moving and chaos.  

I say that makes a lot more sense than what God has already done for us and is continuing to do for us... every day, every hour, every moment.  

I can only hope to be more senseless everyday for Him, too. 

My heart is with you, Yah <3