Monday, August 6, 2012

Prepositional Fragments

I think I feel normal enough to feel distracted and abnormal.

  I suppose I need to clarify that.  Moving across the world is dramatic, I guess.  And being thrown into a foreign culture where I didn’t even know how to buy food and couldn’t talk in the language – yeah, that’s a little trying at times.  And what it requires is just sticking it out.  Just keep going.  Take a day at a time, staying humble and patient.  Trusting God and living on steam.  Something about being here is that finding a rhythm is pretty darn difficult.  Schedules are a ridiculous concept (which is so OK by me!).  Things that I was accustomed to taking for granted (… always having drinking water, electricity, internet, working doors, lights, outlets, cars, dependable repairmen, availability of petrol, propane, milk, eggs… etc.) are not reliable on any given day.  But really, it’s not as bad as all that sounds.  Humans are very adaptable. 

Sometimes I catch myself asking the Whys.  But I have a go-to answer for that: because God wants glory, He deserves it.  It’s all for Him.  And, yes, that means I often don’t understand what’s going on. Lol!

Sometimes I just get crabby, tired, and sore and I start deflecting. It generally doesn’t take me too long to realize the problem is in me.  And then I tuck my proud tail between my legs, take a shower, and hesitantly throw my selfishness at God’s feet.  I never regret this and soon enough I am weeping in repentance and thankfulness.  God is so good and patient with me.

Sometimes, I am just weary.  I can’t seem to remember why I would ever want to spend all day in the kitchen baking.  I don’t feel like reading.  I definitely don’t want to go to town or socialize.  I avoid teaching my kids… honestly, I try to avoid my kids altogether!  These are the best days for social interactions (even though I will adamantly deny it) and Dan knows this and will suggest I talk to my sis or mom or call up a chum here.  I say “I don’t wanna!” and pout. But being what we are and who were are here, someone inevitably (and gratefully!) will show up for some reason or another and it does me loads of good.  I actually love this.  I love unexpected guests.  I want everyone here to know that our home is always open to them.  And that, apparently, I need it J

There is a question I’ve never been good at answering.  “What have you been up to?” Cue blank stare and a shrug.  Um…. I don’t know.  Perhaps I’m living too much in the moment or I have some short term memory issues.  Either way, it’s frustrating.  Because I know that I have been having days – full of time and doing things.  I’ve always had this problem, however, even in the States.

But more frustrating lately (and perhaps so because it is asked of me more frequently here) is the question “Is there anything I can pray for you?” I fight off the shrug, but the blank stare is still there.  My mind is racing, searching thoroughly for the answer to the previous question (what have you been up to?) because perhaps there is a clue in there that would help me answer this question.  Surely there MUST be something I want prayed for!  ….. Crickets…..

Because I know I need prayer.  And I know that I want prayer.  But the specifics elude me. 

Guidance – a must!  And this is my fall back prayer request.  Not that it is to be taken for granted or of lesser value.  I just know that I need it – constantly.  Minute by minute.  Best prayer for me.

Honestly, there are things that I could list that I want.  But before I even verbalize them I realize that more than any of those things, I just want what God wants.  So I don’t want to pray for my ideas, but His. 

A growing joy in the Lord.  

                                                      To be excited about Him.  

                   To love His Word more than anything. 

 To hear the Spirit speak.  

                                                                                                                  To love as He loves.

   To know what to speak to whom and when.  

                           To preach the Word by how I live. 

 To value obedience and fear God.  

                    To drown daily in His goodness. 

                                  To walk away from meaningless talk. 

Maybe I should keep these on a piece of paper and whip them out when someone asks me ;)

Maybe I should stop trying to answer with circumstantial temporary issues. 

Maybe I should just pray that God lay on people’s hearts exactly what I need prayed for. 

Afterall, I love praying for specific prayer requests… But I love even more when God out of the blue puts someone on my heart and tells me what to pray for them.  That way He gets even more glory.  And I’m amazed by His personal involvement in our lives.  The small things that He shows up in. 

To Him. Through Him. By Him. With Him. Near Him.  For Him. 

My God is a prepositional God.  Let’s serve, love, obey, share Him in prepositional fragments.