In the Morning

Father, your beauty is all I see this morning.  I desire to desire you.  I just want to want you because I know that all that you offer is more than any small pleasure here.  In my selfish pursuits, I feel how lacking in satisfaction everything is.  But just a taste of you…. Oh, and I just want more.

And it’s endless and soul-filling. It’s body-filling and heart-mending.  My eyes are satisfied in you.  My feet want to dance for you.  In you I feel complete acceptance and love.  No insecurity or worry or loss or fear. 

Why do I look anywhere else?  Abba, why do I stray from your arms to look for temporary, selfish, inadequate arms?  When I KNOW with all of who I am that YOU are more than enough… so much more than enough.

And you forgive me.  And you keep your arms open.  And you chase me down when I stray too far.  And you don’t hold it against me. When I’m without words, when my heart loves other things, when I turn away from your arms, when I ignore your Spirit in my soul, you still love me unchangingly.

How can any of this be true? How can I know it so well?  How can I believe it with all my being?  …and still wander… still sin… still tune out your voice. 

I love you, my good Father… My gracious Savior.  My Rescuer.  My Everything. 

I am never proven wrong to trust you.  I am never let down by your grace and mercy. 

And I know I can’t fabricate this love.  I cannot even make myself come before you.  

I can’t let go of myself to grab hold of You.  I am powerless.  Without breath or blood of my own.  You draw me.  You pull me.  You stop me.  You sing me awake from my self-induced sin-filled slumber. 

I do nothing good on my own.

I don’t even seek to do good on my own.

It is all you, Lord.  And I praise you and thank you for that.  That I am under your protection.  Your control.  Your goodness sustains me alone.  I am dirt until You.  I am bones until You. 

On this moment, I sit and praise you.  Only in this one.  This moment you have given me.  You have brought me once again to your feet.  That I am beckoned by the King is such an honor, unimaginably so. 

I am blessed beyond measure.  And I praise you with all that I am able.

Title

Sometimes I think I have something worth saying.

Sometimes I think I should say it aloud.

Sometimes I think I should write it.

Most of the time, I don’t.

Bear with me a moment… 

Because I miss my big brother.

And I want to tell anyone who supports missionaries that they need to give their money and let go of expectations.  Trust God.  It is hard living up to other people’s expectations when you really shouldn’t.  Allow them to be accountable only to God, just as you are.

I want my husband to be home.  I want him to have a good time in America.  But I want him to want to come back.

I’m ok with people coming and going.  I will still invest in you if you or I are leaving tomorrow. 

I am intrigued by being a minority.  I want to embrace things that are good for community, but I don’t want to fall into the same paranoid behavior that tends to come with the territory.

Trust is a difficult thing to grasp… and hold on to.

I am confident of a few specific things that God wants us to do here.  On the surface, none are astounding… None are world changing…  And if we do them right, we will fly right under the radar of the world and just deeply touch a few people.

I struggle daily with the dumbest temptations and sins.  And the littlest compromise of good causes me to slide ever gradually into foolish thoughts.  So don’t judge me for being a hard ass over convictions, what is wrong and right.  I don’t mess around with the grey area anymore if I can help it.

God help me, I am so self-centered.

I love art.  I wish I wasn’t so afraid of creating it.

As much as I really want to believe the opposite, I know I haven’t change all that much.  Except in maybe realizing that I really really really need God for every single aspect of my life.

Even as I wonder in what ways I am messing up my kids, I know that God will work it out and that I probably won’t even know what I did wrong until they are 25 years old and laughing about it.

Praise God for His sovereignty … even as I fumble here.

I’m not nearly as conflicted as I used to be about energy, time, and usefulness.

Related thought: I do think life gets better with age and I’m ok with the trade-off of not looking or feeling young.

No matter how illogical it is, I am just so much more cheerful on a sunny day.

I miss Phoenix.

But I love Kitale.

People are pretty much the same no matter where you go.  That is, in terms of humanity, the need to be loved and the brokenness that screams for a Savior.

I want what God wants of me/for me/for Him…. But some days I just want to lie down and sleep or zone out.  Not because I’m depressed, but because I’m truly tired or in pain. 

I don’t mind offending people with questions if it means it makes the conversation more honest (and interesting). 

My life is inundated with bread.

I don't have a best friend.  I don't want a best friend.  Jesus is enough.

I used to make fun of Dan for having commitment issues (aside from our marriage and the army).  But I've come to discover I have the same if not worse issues.

I don't mind moving.  Often.  Like once a year.  And now that we've done it internationally, I can't see why we wouldn't go anywhere.

I super dig how God guides us... specifically me.  That I can trust that and wait on it... and wait for it.

Sometimes I think rules are dumb - like literary rules.  For example, a composition should have a main point, flawless segues, and a conclusion.