Long Overdue Introspection :)

Sure enough this isn’t my home. With every move I am even more convinced that geography has no bearing on feeling at home. Even in the place that I call home – Phoenix – I feely strangely at odds with my surroundings, always a nagging feeling of something important lacking. Here in Maryland, I feel like rolling around in the green that envelopes this landscape. I breathe in the air and it sits well in my lungs. This place is both invigorating and sedating all at once. I see the beauty and majesty of God all around me. In Phoenix, I revel in the dry pounding heat of the city. I love the distant mountain landscape, the open desert stretching for miles uninhabited. I see the wonder and stark power of our Creator. Yet, I cannot embrace it. My feet only cover small area at any given time, my eyes can only take in so much before my heart starts to ache. It’s as though my Father has left a gift at the doorstep… and then departed. But there in that gift is detail, complexity, affectionately made and a small reflection of the one who made it.

It’s easy to distract the heart and mind from this. It’s much too much easy to lose myself in social interactions, television shows, plain busyness of life… cleaning, planning, paying, driving, fixing… etc. Yet here I find a lacking as well.I have so many unanswered questions… Questions that can be answered certainly but not satisfiably. Or perhaps I am just so easily dissatisfied with any finality.

So here are a few of my questions… questions that I ask time and again that don’t seem to have any satiable answer. What is the point of friendships? I realize this is a highly customized concept. Friendships are what people make them to be, but this can vary quite dramatically from one person to the next, I suppose, based on their own particular needs and desires. If that is true, then the likelihood of two people finding a perfect friend in each other is rather low and obviously explains the many dramas and quandaries experienced in that social interaction. To find a near fit almost always feels too good to be true, often enough questioning and doubting the intimacy of these relationships conversely leads to many problems and difficulties. It’s kinda funny.

A bigger question that sits in my mind is one of location. Why be anywhere? I mean I know I have to be somewhere, so why be where I am now? Why not somewhere else? What is it that holds me here? Or takes me there? Bottom line: what’s the motivation in location? Naturally I will follow my husband where he goes. But what leads him where he goes? Sometimes it seems as arbitrary as the wind. Is the idea of a better job a good reason to move? Is the idea of being near family an intelligent reason to move? Geography? Politics? Schools? Taxes? Culture? Friends? …. I do have an easy answer to this question. Go where God leads you to go. But then again, how do you know where that is? And beyond that (as I found it easy to believe He wanted us here in Maryland) is a plaguing question: how long are we to stay? I know that may illicit a chuckle from some… How do I determine whether it is we that want to leave and not God? Doesn’t He put the desires in our heart? And beyond those supernatural gut instincts, what do we go on to make this decision? Are we merely out here to see what we left (Lord knows I didn’t need to be taught this)? Were we sent out here to stay for some unseen purpose yet to be revealed? I struggle with this idea. I hesitate to see myself here in the future (a long time problem with me anywhere I am… 2 years in our house in Gilbert seemed short and likewise eternal). I hesitate to see us moving again… for I fear that we have been so well entrenched in this habit, we may learn to never sit still.

Above and beyond all of this is this deep desire to do something meaningful. While I well know this exists in most people, I absolutely cannot sink myself into anything that seems trite. I am all too keenly aware of worldly pulls: vanity, greed, self-serving, works righteousness… weighing my success on productivity. I am a barrage of battling wills. I refuse to get caught up in buying nice stuff and decorating (money better spent elsewhere, not to mention the vanity factor), yet vanity gets me anyway… as I am mostly ashamed of what our house looks like and worried what people will think. I refuse to push my meager energies to have a productive show for my day… yet feel really worthless about how my days are spent wishing I could have some proof to validate my existence. And I wonder about my internal motivations… am I lazy? Unambitious? Afraid? I am absolutely afraid. Afraid of not being good enough. Afraid of failing. Afraid of trying something and then not doing it well and taking it too hard. Afraid I’m missing what I’m supposed to be doing…

There are short answers to these questions. God’s word is enough to satisfy the hungriest heart. And I often am brought to tears by His amazing love and the seemingly unending ways He speaks to me in new ways through His word. So why the plaguing questions? Why can’t I just rest easy in today and know He is in control, that He has a plan? I don’t know.

Right now this is what I know. I miss my family so much it hurts. I miss the amazing friendships I made in Arizona. I want my husband to be happy. I want the best for my kids. I want to feel fulfilled (and I am mainly so by being a traffic controller). I want feel as though I’m living exactly where God wants me to, how He wants me to. Won’t I know when that happens? Or will I?

Rapping Roberto

He's been on tv, radio, and written a book or two. He called out the chinese for their illegal drug use in the Olympics (a few times), was called a "midget" who "knows absolutely jack shit about baseball" (by none other than Barry Bonds), and has a considerable (albeit boring) resume.

I mean, come on! Who blogs about Bob Costas? And what can I say about him? Sure I'd heard his name before I looked him up on Wikipedia. Since I have little interest in sports, let alone the people talking about the sports, I am possibly the worst candidate for writing about Bob Costas. However.... he has a good sneeze/swear name. I could easily transition from my recent Bob Dylan exclamations. And I always welcome a good sneeze challenge (as long as there is no words that start with "h" because that is actually a little painful).

Honestly, I'm a little annoyed at his story as told on Wikipedia. Whoever wrote it apparently had no interest in showing WHO Bob Costas was.... Either that or they were paid by Bob Costas to only showcase things that may promote his career (though it hardly seems he ever needed assistance getting to the top) and withhold anything that may infer he is actually human and makes mistakes. Though he did divorce and remarry... what a cretin!

Marie, I wish I could think of something or someone nearly as boring as Bob Costas for you to blog about... And maybe I could've done a better job of this, but I am feeling uninspired and just wanted to get it over with!

What would Bob Costas say?

"I don't believe there's a single American sitting around saying, 'I'd like to see Bob Costas' take on this.'” - Bob Costas

Nimwit

We were sitting on either side of him... but we couldn't save him. The futility of it all struck us as soon the table struck him (or so it seems).

Alas, it was true... he started it. Yes, HE struck the table first. You cannot imagine the shame and embarrassment when very quickly, yea, in the blink of an eye only enough time to utter an alarmed gasp, the table won. It was over like that. Suddenly there was a wild convergence of tears and blood, wet paper towels, and then hastily the four of us departed.

The proximity of the health center was appreciated, furthermore, the lack of patrons therein proved an even greater blessing. While the boy was seen immediately with his father at his side, I was left with minimal paperwork and his alarmingly well-behaved younger brother.

Every cry I heard from beyond the admitting doors squeezed my heart, compressed my lungs, even as I smiled at the adorable antics of my darling 2 year old. My brain reassured my heart that things were ok and it was satiated for another 5 minutes until another cry rang out. Only an hour transpired before me and young lad were allowed to see him. His demeanor was immediately relieving. He was calm and not unlike his normal inquisitive self began grilling me about the blood pressure cuff (what is that for? what does it do? what is it called? does it hurt?...etc).

So walking papers in hand, we headed to the van. Thankful to have our kids in one piece and quite relatively in their original condition with the addition of 6 blue stitches, we made one stop before calling it a night. At home, the champion table diver sat with a bowl of chocolate ice cream as he talked to his Aunt Moe Moe on the phone about SpongeBob.

And I breathed a weary sigh of relief... my heart full of sad thankfullness.

Dutch Pain

After Caleb's very last T-ball game of the season, I got the great idea of spending the rest of the day at Dutch Wonderland, an amusement park 2 hours away. So off we went. It was a nice, well laid out park geared entirely towards the younger crowd (9 year olds and under). The boys had a blast. Dan ate funnel cake. Caleb and Elijah were almost able to finish off a cotton candy (I'm proud that they didn't!). 2 lemonades, several kiddie rides, a diving show (this was easily Elijah's favorite part)

one semi-decent roller coaster (that Caleb LOVED), and a good lounge by the splash park (Caleb got drenched while Elijah adamantly refused to venture beyond trying to squelch the singular spouts of water) and we were ready to call it a day. But not before getting one of these pics!

So yesterday, I went to the picnic for MOPs (after being thoroughly cheered by an unexpected phone call from Jess!) with Caleb (didn't want to deal with 2 kids and a pool plus three dozen other people). I was exhausted, crabby, and feeling rather anti-social (this was only compounded by the fact that no one was talking to me!). But after a half hour it got better and I had several interesting conversations. Plus Caleb had an awesome time swimming (he will be so happy once we get into our new house with the pool!).

Today, I wish I could die. I thought all I needed was to be completely caffeinated all hours of the day in order to make a semi-normal life for myself. Apparently I forgot about the pain part of the deal. Ugh. It feels like someone is squeezing the marrow out of my bones and twisting my muscles into knots. Fun Fun!

So I shall find myself a nice seat and make a home there, pray for well-behaved boys, and hope that OTC painkillers will at least help a little.

Collage Time!

We had a great time, sitting on the kitchen floor getting all gluey picking out pictures for our collages. And afterwards Caleb made a game of cleaning up the scraps (as always a good guy vs bad guy game).

Here is Elijah's. I helped cut out the pieces and put the glue on. He picked the pictures and placement.

Notice the messy plate of spaghetti? This was on the same page as the one Caleb chose which was a neat plate of spaghetti! Just like my boys!

I love Caleb's! He has the Oxy bottle (which both boys picked without knowing the other had as well!) and a washer and dryer! The kid likes clean! I just noticed he glued a little blurb (it's upside down in the square) entitled "I Love this Country." Patriotic, too, I guess?

Ok, so I couldn't just watch the fun. I made one, too *giggle* It was fun, and I was doing it long after they lost interest. I wish I would think to do this kind of stuff more often...

Cluttered and Disagreeable

My oh so sweet darling lovely friend told me I was cluttered and disagreeable. Isn't that nice? But it begs the question... um, am I? Let's see... cluttered? My person is rarely cluttered. I in fact find it most unfortunate when that occurs because it means only one thing (as I do not accessorize): tis much too much cold. Hats, scarves, gloves, layers and layers and layers... it makes me want to scream, tear off my clothes and run around butt naked. Bad visual, sorry. My space is cluttered. Oh yeah, definetely. Hmmm.... maybe that's what she means. But it's not entirely my fault! My husband is a serial clutterbug and I have two young boys that think the command, "Take off your clothes," means stopping dead in their tracks and removing each and every item and leaving it in a display of artful indifference on the floor. *sigh*

Am I disagreeable? No way! I do NOT concur! ....wait.... Ok, maybe sometimes I may pipe up to say something contradictory. But I do it out of love, goshdarnit! Besides it is a family legacy. To be disagreeable in my family just means your breathing still. Arguing is a pasttime, a hobby. We even won the inter-county championship of Michigan for debating the longest without falling into weak rebuttals of "nuh uh" and "yeah, well you're stupid!" We didn't agree with the trophy (actually Kyle wanted it, but we spent so much time debating over whether or not he should get it that Jesse snuck in and squirreled the trophy away).

Ok, I promised less introspection and more facts. Here's what I know: I figured out why I blog (expect an introspective blog on that one later!), the constant drizzling rain reminds me too much of Washington state, my kids have completely lost their minds and spend most of their time making inhuman noises or fighting over everything (today it was my grocery list), I really want to homeschool .... and yet that and all else ambition waits on that state of my health (frustrating!).

If today goes as planned, I will actually make dinner, bathe the children, construct yet another BF (blanket fort - not best friend! lol) for Caleb and Dan's campout in the AZ room tonight, sit down and make collages with the boys (if that happens I'll take pics and post here).

I miss you all! I hope to make a trip to Arizona in August (this time for 2 weeks!) so keep that in your prayers!

Do I know how?

Do I know how to blog without being analytical and introspective? LOL

I honestly ask this question because I'd love to have a place for people to come and see how and what I'm doing in my life. Not that my life is so grand and full of excitement. But I think people tend to ask the question from time to time... "I wonder how Katie is doing?" It's unanswerable unless that person is rather odd and is actually directing the question at me. Which really isn't that odd in my experience actually... I have some weird friends and family! But the point is, I am rarely on the phone, a lax email user, and have been known to for no reason what so ever fail to get back to people in a timely manner. I'm actually a little surprised I have any friends! LOL

So, here goes... I will try to keep the introspection on the back burner for the most part and try to just give the facts of life (I really hope that song is now playing in your head!). And for all you curious kids out there, my previous posts are loaded with introspection and not even remotely intended for your eyes. Oh well.

I'll initiate this newly renovated blog by sharing this picture.

Here's Caleb and Elijah enjoying the blanket fort I made for them in the living room. We've been into BF construction now for the past 2 days and with the forecast filled with rainy days, we could easily perfect our form :)