God Loves to Surprise Us

Romans 4:16 "People receive God's promises by having faith. This happens so the promise can be a free gift."



I love Max Lucado. I love the way he writes, how he surprises me with simplicity. March 14 in his Grace for the Moment Vol II was exactly what I needed to hear today. Though I credit him less than I credit an amazingly loving and intimate Father.



I never know whether it is a good idea to be so blatantly honest about my short-comings and flaws. But it strikes me often as the right thing to do... as the temptation to be proud is so very near and my upbringing also inspires such humility :) So this is the raw shameful truth of how this morning was spent: in tears, in self-pity, and a sense of unfairness. The great worldly truth of my situation hit me hard this week. I was alone thousands of miles away from everyone I loved. Stuck in the house with two energetic young boys. Cloudy cold days blew across the yard. I watched as Reba shivered and Ando barked at squirrels.

I started to feel as though someone had put me in a glass case, imprisoning me with freezing weather and endless miles land, rolling hills giving way to swamp, then desert... the epitome of desert stretching through parched thirsty eternal ground. My sight became distorted. I couldn't see the light through the clouds anymore. I sought God's joy in Word. I admit that Ezekiel isn't the most cheery chapter in the story of God's people. I even found my grey heart plodding through the meaninglessness of Solomon's Ecclesiastes. Even the bittersweet twist of the last chapter left me wanting.



I searched for coincidence in my life and readings and found king David. I couldn't piece that together, and I started to believe I was trying too hard. I stumbled through my days. Hiding from my kids, losing myself in Friends, grateful for the laughter it instigated. I decided I should write, so I began a story. I learned a lesson in friendship from a dear friend. The clouds seemed to settle lower and heavier. I wanted to find meaning and purpose but felt powerless and insufficient. I prayed for other people. I cried on the dining room table missing my family and friends.



I figured my husband could be more supportive and turned on him. I pushed him away out of fear of being utterly alone. I translated his actions (and inactions) into words that were intended (unintentionally) to hurt me and leave me completely isolated.



How many more people could I find fault in? Who else could I blame for the funk I had found?



Under it all, I knew it was me and my putrid attitude. It stunk from the core of me polluting the air around me til I was physically sick from it. Even the taste of food, the idea of food lost its appeal. Perhaps the idea of feeding the disgusting rot in my gut has been convincing enough to discourage the normal pang of hunger my body invariably evokes.

And it all boils down to impatience and a lack of seeing things unseen. I need to learn how to live in this world and still be heaven focused. How do I maintain involvement where I am and still see the bigger picture and trust in the invisible nature of what that entails? Can I be that detached from earthly matters and still love and find purpose while my feet are still under me? The conflict rages eternally in my heart and head. Push and pull. Humanity vs soul. I desire to perfect this delicate balance and the irony lies therein. After the daily battles, exhuastion, and open wounds I came home to this idea: I need God for everything. EVERYTHING. I need God to fight my battles. I need God to release my fears, my lonliness, to figure out my life.

I seem to think that after so much leaning and learning that I will eventually be able to do it on my own. I never stop to think how that could happen, or why I would desire such a thing. Because surely if I had I would conclude the insanity of it. The motivational error itself is astounding. The end result is agonizing... a life without God, a life denying His power, His control. This is not what I want by any means.

Back to Max Lucado... He reminded me that God gives us things in such surprising ways. While we see one thing, hope and pray for things, He has the greatest thing in store for us. And while we think up these small obvious solutions for our own lives, God is working out a far better idea and placing it in front of us at the best time. All this and I still sit and feel lost and anxious. I honestly believe most of the time that I could be doing so much more, spending my time more wisely. And maybe that is still true. But I don't need to feel guilty about it! God knows my heart and He knows I search for His guidance and His will. And He also knows how deaf I am to hear Him, how blind I am to see how plainly He cares about my life, my every day run of the mill life!

I get to be reminded endlessly about His love. I am afforded the ability to live another day in His world, in His care. He is ridiculously forgiving and patient with me. He knows I will forget again, that I will try to run my own life, beat myself up for not fulfilling a purpose unknown to me... that I will cease trusting Him and cry in anxiety and self-pity. How many times will He surprise me with His love?

......I love the answer.... Forever. Endlessly. Throughout eternity. Without fail. Constantly. Unconditionally. Immensely. Without limits!

Beyond these clouds, I believe in the Son. Inside my grey heart, is joy unending. All this ... for free? I'm out of words....

peace and love,
kate

Everyday

Nothing about my everyday life is worth writing about. My feelings, reactions, thoughts about the past, future and where I am now are nothing new. I feel a little Solomonesque today :) What's the point of blogging? I was asked that somewhat recently by my sis. Why blog? I have to admit the question has not yet been answered for me. Why do I blog? What do I hope to accomplish? Am I hoping to accomplish?... now, frankly that doesn't sound very much like me - goal focused! Ha! Here, this one is for Leah... "I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal." (Peter La Fleur in Dodgeball)

So... yes, I am in fact sitting here spending time blogging even though I don't have any real good reason to do so. But then again did I really have an answer when Pastor Spencer asked Dan and me why we wanted to have kids? Our exact answer was .. pause... look at each other... bigger pause... stare at floor...a shrug and then "I don't know... because God says we should?"

Macaroni, the phantom chaser

Why do we have pets?

Why do we dance in public?

Certainly I could answer that it is for mere enjoyment - yay! But pets and children are a lot of work. And dancing can be just as enjoyable at home.. why go to a club? Why not write in a journal?

Truth is I Iove writing. I feel a little directionless lately though. Where am I writing what? Why am I writing how? Questions for nothing... I need a something. I need inspiration. This blog is but a weak solution to a strong yearning. It's as though the need to write something (anything!) builds up inside up me until I can do nothing but dry heave this dribble. It's a pathetic shame. On the brighter side, I like have a nice collection of music here as I own very few of these songs. Kudos to the internet and the ability to plug in!

Death Cab for Cutie is a must have stand by for anytime listening - pure enjoyment!

Pinback has a repetitive sound that occurs in a great deal of their music - I still love it immensely - kind of a laid back feel good tuneage.

MercyMe is a surprise to me... I never thought I liked them as much as I do as they have a tiny bit of country twang that I tend to avoid. I also noticed their focus is on heaven - I love that!

Yael Naim - funky indie sound that I innately am drawn to.. I wish to have more of this for my listening pleasure. The thing about indie is how hit and miss it is... But, oh! to find a rare and talented gem like Yael is cause for celebration!

Downhere and Shawn McDonald are worth coupling because of how I feel about them both. There is a unique quality to each that will always draw me in and endear me to each new song.

I don't understand people who don't have a profound respect and love for music - good music. It is so much a part of who I am that bits of songs come out in conversations randomly. To remove music from my life would be the greatest torture and would change me irrevocably.

Tangent done, so is blog post :)

peace and love,
katie

What is your purpose?

Such a small sentence, yet so loaded with responsibility, accountability, and self-worth. One’s purpose in life is an idea we can’t escape. We innately seek purpose in all things… whether talking about the origins of life and the universe or in the motivation behind our actions. What is the purpose? What was the reason for the cause which produced the effect? What effect do I hope to produce? What is my purpose?

There are countless books, articles, and opinions on how to discover your ultimate purpose in life. Answers are given to the ageless question of “why am I here?” Most of these writings are geared toward careers or self-fulfillment. Is my purpose to be successful in a career? Is my purpose to find self-fulfillment? I don’t think so. Neither does God apparently.

He plainly states that our purpose is to serve Him. Simple enough on the surface, right? But what does that exactly entail? Serving God means to follows His rules and the common denominator behind all His rules is this: LOVE. We’ve all heard the saying “God is love.” Well, He is. And our purpose is to love, to love Him back by obeying the law, but also to love others. So there is an inward application of self-discipline and an outward application of loving others. Once again, how do we do love others exactly? It isn’t always so cut and dry and what may seem like the most obvious way to love isn’t always the way we personally were called to love.

Let me expound on that. It’s no surprise to anyone that we are all individuals with unique qualities and personalities, unique down to our very DNA. Why should it be any different when it comes to how we love? We were all called to love in different ways. There is a great book called “The Five Love Languages” that most people seem to be familiar with. The content makes it quite easy to clearly identify the mode in which you love. It is obviously categorized and therefore generalized. But the gist is good; you will learn basically how you see, feel, and give love. And this coincidentally, is how God purposefully made us. We are each of us purposefully made! I didn’t really grasp that concept until a few years ago. Part of me believed I was cranked out on an assembly line and that somehow I wasn’t constructed quite right. I didn’t seem to fit the mold of what seemed to be the right way to love.

Society likes to say that love is obvious. Actions speak love, they say. Feed a homeless person, give a gift basket to the sick dude, or invite people into your home. But a great deal of us, I believe, love on a much more subtle level. A love that is not lesser by any means, but perhaps a love that is quieter and harder to put a finger on. Some love by listening. That’s it! Just listening to a tortured soul or a lonely invalid. Some love by being behind the scenes of greater things, rarely acknowledged, loving in the shadows. No matter how we are built to love, we can be sure that who we innately are, what we are instinctively drawn to do in love, is exactly how God purposefully created us.

What is your purpose? To love. To love as God uniquely designed you to love. To love no matter where you are, whether working or resting. To learn love as though it were a skill to hone. To love as though God himself were always watching, because He is! Remember His will and remember His love and then live with those thoughts always with you. And loving will be a joy. Loving will be an honor. Loving will be the purpose that fulfills you and gives you the greatest success that you can hope for in this life.

One more thing: love yourself. Accept who you uniquely are and appreciate that God put intimate thought into making you. Love you the way God loves you. Don’t forget your own value. Know that to love properly means to view everything and everyone through God’s eyes. This is the beginning of a life of peace (no fear), joy (through all emotions), and unending wonder (as the beauty of God’s will becomes clearer).

Peace and love,
kate

New Start: Maryland

I never expected to fall in love with this place. I'm still not sure that I am. All I know is that I rather enjoy nap drives here. Everyday around 1pm I throw the boys in the car (but only if they won't get in themselves) and just start driving. No destination, no specific route and I find myself for one, not getting lost like I expect to, and two, overwhelmed by the beauty of the scenery. Not just the rolling hills salted with farms and country houses, fields, and trees... Even the art of the road is a thing of beauty. The road respects the land, does not plow right through it with its own interest, but even seems to compliment and honor the graceful flow of the geography. I'm surprised by my instant adoration of this place. I have yet to meet a local (give me a break I've been sick since I got here) and downtown left much to be desired. Yet the character is unmistakable, the unique quality unavoidable. I can only imagine how my affections will grow once spring comes.

In other matters, I find myself rather lonely. This was expected however. How many times can I say to my distant friends, "I miss you so much!" before realizing that I have nothing else to say. No "let's hang out today" or "do you wanna come over tomorrow?" I don't know what to do with that. It's like breaking up with your friends... Sorry I can't see you anymore. I really didn't think it would end so soon... And the inevitable heartbreak. So I'm in a new kind of limbo now: friend limbo. Caught between leaving the old friends behind (so to speak) and meeting new friends here. It's an uncomfortable space to live in.

Through all this God has been good to me. The 38 hour or so drive from Phoenix couldn't have gone more smoothly - even the bad book was enjoyable when shared with my sis! My kids were astonishingly well-behaved. We encountered no detours or traffics issues. No inclement weather or vehichle problems. Where is my darn shirt! lol. It's a God thing. And call me crazy, but I count my eternal monster head cold as a blessing. It's like God saying, "OK you are home now. Just rest for a week. Just rest and don't stress." Man, I love our God!

Life is crazy where I left it. For whatever reason, I've always been submersed in a calm place flittering in and out of other people's stressful situations. Surely I'm blessed. And naturally I've had difficulties in my life, but God has always lifted me out of it unscathed. In fact, only improved I'd say, and what's better, with a deeper sense of gratitude and awe at our Almighty Father.

My prayer for you is that you fall in love with the beauty of God around you. That you easily identify those moments in which you can say "It's a God thing!" That God lift you out of your troubles with a sense of awe at His plan for your life. For all you LOST fans out there.... "Don't tell me what GOD can't do!"

peace and love
Kate