What I am.

It’s time for me to write as a transient.

It’s time for me to acknowledge that what I experience and how that affects my perspective causes a great rift between me and others.

It’s time for me to understand what this transience is doing, has done, will do to me.

No more shrugging, here is the low down.

Without going into too much history, I will say this: I have always had a heart for the lost. I remember lying in my childhood bed and weeping with a broken heart for those who were already in Hell. I decided early on I wanted to be different, go down another path, leave the path entirely maybe. I was dedicated to being what my Aunt Jean deemed as “unique.” That word was like a security blanket that I would cling to when nothing else made sense. And sure enough, there came a time when nothing made sense, when my family was scattered and divided, when my future seemed a big empty void of irrelevance.

But I was different, I reassured myself. It was ok that everyone else calmly packed up their high school memories and made off to college for 4 years and a degree (most often also a marriage). It was ok that I didn’t want that. It was ok that I didn’t choose that. I still regret not fully committing to what could’ve been an amazing path. I had dreams of packing up everything I owned into a VW van and driving across America seeking purpose, hopefully finding a way to see real people and love them, finding flight instead of iron clad shoes of stability.

I didn’t do that. Fear drove me to make a logical choice: college. Fear drove me from that choice to the heavy boots of Martin Luther College. I met my husband while there, yet another stable choice in the works. Consequences of choosing such an unnatural path weighed heavily on me. I was walking in someone else’s life. I became so uncomfortable and confused that gradually darkness enveloped me.

Who knows this about me? That I was made for a different path? How much do I share with others that isn’t preempted by and concluded with a shrug and a smile. As if no heavy weight had ever touched my shoulders.

Now I ask this: do I yearn to move because of fear? Am I afraid of stability? I don’t feel entirely equipped to answer that. How can anyone really know oneself? We are biased and hold skewed perspectives of historical events in our lives!

I admit, I don’t fully know myself.

What I cannot continue to ignore is this sense of unrest in my heart. How long has it resided there? My whole life? And it only seems to be growing.

My friends conclude that I am discontent. That I have removed myself from where I am into my own bubble so that I cannot even find purpose in any given place I geographically reside. I wish to dispel that opinion!

Is it wrong to want to go somewhere where hearts and minds are open to the idea of an Almighty God? “That’s too easy. The real challenge is here,” says my friend. Do I want to surround myself with hard-hearted people instead of people who earnestly desire to know a power bigger than themselves? Even just typing that brings tears to my eyes…

If God has given me a heart for these people… should I just go ahead and take that hateful normal path and ignore that I KNOW my path is different? How can I?? Every logical path I consider sits crooked in my heart, like an awkward unbalanced load. Sensibility soothes my passions, reassuring me of good intentions and safe choices. But passion does not die, it only cries out louder and longer.

Now I have to ask an important question. Have I left already? In mind and spirit, am I already gone? I know that God’s plan unfolds in His time. I know that He refines and shapes and prepares in ways and lengths I cannot even begin to fathom. I believe my heart will be unsettled until its call is made complete.

But I am here. Now. And I pray that God will show me what to do with this here and this now. In the meanwhile, I cannot check out. I cannot fold my arms and wait until I get my heart’s desires, no matter how well intended they are.

I need your guidance, YHWH. You who have created me, with purpose with passion with a different path… Show me how I can serve you here. Show me how I can grow closer to you here. Give me the sight to see your plan for me here. Show me the doors you open. Father, I need your strength, your Spirit… Keep my heart on your heart’s desires, my eyes on what YOU see, close my mind to useless distractions.

Today my body and mind wage war against my best intentions. Best intentions and godly ambition sit sleepily in the back of my fogged brain, hastily shoved there by exhaustion. It’s not just droopy eyelids and sore muscles. I cannot rise out of this muck and mire. The sweet February air and clean sunshine register lightly in my consciousness. The melodic and often contagious laughter of my children is barred from my barricaded awareness.

Where am I? I wonder. How may I numbly move from this room to the next with intention? There it is again… that stirred feeling, unsettling thoughts. I can’t seem to focus very long on any one thing without this silent plow moving through my brain. What is that?

I am sure I will ponder in future days of my survival, my very existence residing this way. How did I manage? I will muse.

Right now, I know I have to just “get through” today and all that entails. Dishes, meals, keeping kids out of trouble and well engaged, teaching Caleb… checking off the boxes of today. Will I accomplish what is mildly put before me? It seems innocent enough, not threatening in print. But here it looms before me, a grand shadow darkening my day, an obstacle that leads me to believe it is in fact much too large for my meager provisions.

My meager provisions… Is this how I perceive my life? Today I do. I resolve (which is strong word for today) to determine what these meager provisions are. Are they indeed meager? Don’t I often feel like something has been taken away rather than given in slight servings? I feel robbed of something for sure…

Who robbed me? Did I rob myself which yesterday’s activities? Have I found a way to rob tomorrow? If so, I highly recommend that no one try it. The inevitable question (either issued by me or my husband) is offered: “Was it worth it?” *groan*

Was it worth it? To rob tomorrow I plainly see I’ve punished myself for not disciplining myself against those “best” intentions. Look where intention got me… stirred, foggy, in pain, mush.

I can’t even fully appreciate the lessons of life today. I can’t fully do anything. I’m a half wit with half energy and half a mind to quit myself altogether. But as it remains, I will just have to “get through.”

I will not look for exceptional things today. I will not reach out for something that cannot be grasped or understood today. I won’t lament anymore. I will not mourn the robbing of tomorrow. I will not begrudge myself over stealing this today. I will not despair that a brighter light yet remains for another day. I will “get through” and may God give me a spirit (that I cannot fathom) of patience, contentment, and peace.

Afterall, do the things God gives freely to me everyday depend on even my state of mind? Do they depend on my physical abilities? Has His gifts ever depended on anything but His unchanging (oh what that would be like?) love and full acceptance of me, His dearly loved and cherished (yet wildly irresponsible) child?

Goodbye heavy weight of yesterday’s guilt. Getting through may yet be a gentle breeze over my consciousness. Like a deep sigh of relief, a full release of pent up air… giving up what is left of me today and letting Him fill me up.

Quicksand

I pause.

I hesitate.

This is my thought process: Are my words worth hearing? Is there some kind of arrogance in believing that my thoughts should be read? Aren’t the only truly meaningful phrases, thoughts, and proses found already written in Yahweh’s book? What can I say besides that which would echo truth therein? And lastly, what is the point of that?

Do I benefit from reading what others say? Do I at least enjoy what is produced from a thoughtful mind? Of course!

So why do I hesitate?

I thought silence would humble me. I believed the quieting of my mind, the outward focus of my thoughts would bring me into a better perspective. I nearly assumed I would guarantee a success in selflessness.

I have not seen that to be true.

The less inward I’ve become, the less outward I’ve also become. As though an internal balance made this outcome necessary… like a law of physics.

What has occupied my mind hence? I find myself constantly questioning things. I have lost a bit of innocence in the process… My investigation into the Torah has left me dumb at times, yet inwardly spinning. My feet have been uprooted in new knowledge and I can’t find where to set them down again. This is disturbing, but I belief also purposeful. Does anyone who finds a new piece of truth wish they were yet ignorant? I suppose sometimes so in the midst of grief and mourning over a life lost.

But at the same speed, life changes anyway. Without new truth, the ground is still moving. Without increasing knowledge, decay still sets in. What do we save if we keep our mind from this painful growth?

America is sedated, I’m afraid. No, not just sleeping, for sleeping indicates a complete lack of awareness. The song of each day is sung upon each sunrise like a melody you can’t resist. The serene and predictable nature of our lives lulls us into a rhythm we breath like air. Even with the strongest gale of opposing truth, we walk on to the heartbeat of America. Is there any escape?

Each house a tepid, stagnant pool. Filth within, new odious growth on top. The smell gets to me. Can I stir it and keep on? Am I the pollution here? Or is it in the air of this landscape? Is it breathed on our country with each morning song?

I fight this fight. I resist resisting but my heart cannot settle faithfully here. I am convicted through and through and I loathe to admit that fear holds me back.

I feel this in my heart day in and day out.. yet I am ever susceptible to this world’s quicksand. Some time on facebook. A few hours watching a meaningless and often offensive movie. Books of fiction that fill my mind with another reality. Obsessing over what to eat, are my kids getting enough physical activity, aspiring towards accomplishments, money, achievements, accolades… etc. Quicksand.

This is the obsession of my life.

I can forget it for a few hours, a day, but it comes back in a rushing wave and pounds my heart over and over. I feel as though I’m in chains, and my instinct is to get up, move, leave, GO. I feel my impatience physically. I feel sick from each morning song, like a sweet saccharin spoon dipped in my coffee. “Ready for another great American day, Mrs. Tinsman?”

I don’t want these gods. But here they are so subtly displayed at every turn.

Stability. What is stability? A physical temple to yourself? Look here! I’ve got enough money for this and that and emergencies, of course. Look here! I’ve got a house and yard that is all mine (or will be in 30 some years). Look here! I’ve got a great job with room for promotion. Look here! My kids are in top schools with solid friendships with kids just like them. Look here! I even give 10% to charitable causes. Look here! Picture perfect picture and nothing to distress us…

Health. What is health? Waging a battle against inevitable decay? I refuse to age (though time argues the point). I will not put this or that into my body (because we CAN afford to be picky). I will be in top shape for my own pleasure. I will readily engage in a skewed and corrupt medical world because of my vanity and lack of discernment – and, oh yeah! Threat to my stability, my normal life as I wish to always know it.

Doing. What is doing? (A painful memory for me… a painful reality for me.) If I do this much, I have earned myself some worth. My service to others will mask my own purposeless and misdirected heart. My doing will fill voids in my life that seem bottomless… Doing for the sake of doing.

In all of these open judgments, I sit. Am I condescending? Can I cry out that this is all around me permeating my life? I can hear nothing but Godlessness and emptiness. Am I wrong to hate this sing-song life, pretty picturesque scene complete with frills and daytime drama? I am filled to the brim with this insipid way. May I speak against this?

What are my words here? Is this anything new? I don’t believe it is. How can I feel so strongly opposed to the operation of life all around me? How can I so vehemently deny abdicating my life to this pattern? What’s more, what can I even do in response?

We are slaves to our desires here. And slaves we will remain.

Do I LOVE moving?

A friend asked me yesterday “Do you love moving?” I answered “Nobody loves moving… But I have gotten really good at it!”

I sit now amidst boxes half packed, pillows, clothes, toys strewn about. My semi-tidy house now in a state of chaos. Moving is a highly sentimental time for me. I know I only have very few moments left HERE and NOW. The equation will change again… a different here and now. Soon.

But I know it’s just a place… I know it’s just stuff. But how do I define how deeply I feel that apathy?

I’m passionate about being transient. I believe in refinement, in transcendental growth. I believe that everyone can benefit from having the rug pulled out from under them, packed up and moved somewhere else. Better yet, toss the rug! Less is more!

I’ve heard lots of theories about our lifestyle. Some say we are discontent and that is why we move. Some say our nomadic ways are traumatizing our kids. Others suggest that great joy and happiness can be found in finding a home, a community, a place to STAY.

First of all, maybe we are discontent. I will openly admit I am discontent with the “American Dream.” It’s a farce created by the devil himself. Climb the corporate ladder! Build wealth! Security! Get the best education, degrees! Retirement! Timeshares, vacation homes, boats, cars!

What a disgusting display of idolatry! And who is the idol? ME. Which, coincidentally is not I AM, the Creator of the World, the Savior of our sins, the ultimate Judge, the Alpha and the Omega, Jehovah himself.What an incredibly ludicrous thing to do…

So, yeah I’m discontent with this culture. We are the lukewarm church the book of Revelation condemns. Sitting on the truth, the amazing saving grace of our God… so that we can be “happy.”

I’m discontent to go with status quo. Screw politics, it’s a worldly distraction. Screw environmentalism, God is in control! Screw obtaining the perfect health and diet, it’s a blatant distraction of power and control – which we don’t have!

And our churches… so afraid of offending people they’ve left God hidden behind an eye-pleasing curtain. Our churches… so ready to pander, so ready to relieve guilt – please, only do as much as you are really comfortable with. Ugh!

We need a revival! And I am worse than Moses…

El Paso baby yeah!

Yesterday was my and the boys first full day here. At first it seemed a little depressing to see my sister and her daughters leave in the morning. It felt odd to be alone in her house with my family, knowing they wouldn't be back for days. And then came the uncomfortable anxiety of unfilled time. I strangely only vaguely remember this sensation when moving to Maryland. Maryland... seems a distant memory already.

Anyway, again came flooding back the old feelings of needing purpose. What am I to do here, Lord? Fighting the urge to settle into stability, absolutely opposed to refinding the normal life. I don't want to fill my time uselessly anymore. I don't want to have a home so that I can hide from the world. I don't feel God has lead us here only to regress into that lifestyle.

I can tell you what Maryland was. I can see the good that came from that and even many purposes in it. On the outside, it seemed impulsive on both ends; the move out there and the move from there. But I knew and Dan knows what a growing experience it was for us together and individually.

So what will El Paso be for the transient Tinsmans? Only God knows... I have my suspicions, for sure. As difficult as the balance is between settling for a time and knowing our imperminance, I have trust in God's plans for us. I just need to keep my sight within today and save the big thoughts for the guy in charge.

Bottom line

Maybe we should've let Texas become its own state. Maybe Lincoln should've let the south secede from the Union. Maybe somebody at some point should've notice that our nation got too big for one government. The state governments are great ideas... but, alas, the federal government oversees them as well. Freedom is diminishing at an astounding rate... and all in the name of what?

I'm not going to weigh in about the universal healthcare plan. Not here. Nor will I rant about the enormity of the government growing like cancer across our rights. This is what I will say, God wins. That's a bottom line I can get behind!

Meanwhile, I wonder what this all means for every day people like me (I don't know about every other day people...). Should our goals change? Were they worthy goals to begin with? What of the American dream? .... the American dream... freedom to pursue our lives in peace, uninhibited by outside pressures or restrictions. What do we have now? The American Entitlement? Have we all been reduced to sniveling 5 year olds? IT'S NOT FAIR! wahhhhhhhh! Those darn CareBears at it again...

And I know, I know it's the natural progression of things once God is slowly yet purposefully removed from authority of any kind. But it's sad to see it happen to this country. A nation that God blessed so much... thrown back in His face with spiteful ingratitude. That He hasn't completely anihilated us yet is beyond me.

But I digress (or regress?)... What is our focus? Our goals as christian Americans? It seems at least to me that the pursuit of stability may eventually compromise our beliefs. We may in our lifetime have to encounter situations now where we will have to break our nation's laws in order to uphold our Maker's. With the world and our country in it's current situation... what should be our focus? I know that the main point never changes: tell the world about Jesus. This could get tricky and something tells me (as Mark Martin does) the roof is on fire! This is urgent... we need to act NOW. Busyness needs to give way to a purpose filled life. Not the Rick Warren way - the Jesus way.

Lord, guide us to serve you in every way. Move us to live as though there won't be a later - no retirement - just a now. Give us clear purpose in our every day lives. Fill your people with the passion to bring your kids back to you. Help us eliminate distractions that waste our time and energy, remove negative influences so that we may hear your voice clearly. Let us be wakeful watchful for we know you are coming soon, Jesus! Fill our discouragements and cynicism with your everlasting hope. Renew our strength each day and measure our steps with confidence. In your holy name, we pray AMEN

There are so many things on my blanketed mind, like sand drifting through my fingers... ahh, the beach.

Abby's visit was absolutely awesome! I couldn't be more thankful for friends that have known me half my life, go without talking to each other for 9 years and pick up right where we left off. I am so grateful to have that memory with me... hanging out at the Thiels with the cutest baby ever - Aida Rose. The National Zoo, Rehoboth Beach in Delaware, downtown Annapolis and Hagerstown stomach-dropping roads that made Abby scream!

Not even a month later and suddenly our lives are thrown into change AGAIN. I won't complain. I won't mourn the 8th move in our nearly 8 years of marriage. I am amazed and awed by the love of our God. His will and purpose for us is being revealed to us the further we go on... in His timing.

Just this past Tuesday, Dan arrived at work only to be kindly escorted from the building with possessions in hand. Suspension, they said, with termination imminent. They gave him the option to resign, which he promptly did. At peace, he said, over the whole ordeal. Five days later and still no regrets. God has paved our path and more than ever we are seeing what a blessing it is to trust fully in Him and walk forward in faith.

You see, just two weeks ago, my sister and I were on the phone, a common occurrance as the topic of living closer to one another was also. In the past this conversation would go on wistfully, hypothetically and end with a sigh as reality overcame us. However, this time it would not go that way. We both suddenly got the idea that it could happen! Why not, I said? Dan hates his job, he's always wanted to live near them as well! why not indeed.... I told Marie to pitch the idea to Dan (believe me it makes sense that way). Sure enough, he was on board.

From that point, Dan and I concocted a plan: I would promptly move to El Paso or Phoenix with the boys and the dogs. Dan would remain in Frederick working and living in a 1 bedroom apartment saving up money. This past Monday Dan signed a 4 month lease and we went home content with our plan. Well God had a different idea....

After Dan called me from his Jeep on the way from work... my mind was reeling. No income (save his VA disability check). No job. And on the 31st.. no home. Dan was at peace. He wasn't angry even though his employer had gone back on his word (approving leave that he was now saying was too much time from work). He had told me a couple months back that the people he worked with were a godless bunch, greedy and self-motivated. He was uncomfortable there and his skill set was at odds with the position he held.

We easily got out of his 4 month lease. (Thank God for that!) And began packing... We still are packing. And every day we see God's hand in this. Yesterday, as we were clearing up the garage, Dan looked over and me and said "Let's have a yard sale tomorrow." I said "ok." We readied the garage for the event, posting it on craigslist, and with the help of Dan's old army buddy, we were up and open at 8am this morning.

Jim, our awesome neighbor came strolling over asked us what we were up to. He said most garage sales do better on Fridays here and earlier, too. I said, well it can't hurt to try. Seconds after that conversation, our first customer walked up. We had a steady stream of people coming through all day. The couch, end tables, dresser, valet, sheets, baby clothes, stroller, army stuff, lamps, tv... and lots of other stuff were bought. By 1:30 Dan and I were both pooped and ready to park our butts inside (it was oppressively humid out today). We gave it a half hour more and then shut the garage. Not even 10 minutes later, it started pouring! It was like God's approval after all our hard work :)

I'm busting out of Maryland in 4 days and I can hardly believe. My darling brother Kyle will be keeping me company as we traverse across the country once again.

I'm just in such awe of God's love and His amazing involvement in our personal lives. That He works so purposefully in each of our lives to draw us to Him and toward our purpose in Him... it's astounding!

I'm really looking forward to this next phase of our lives. He has grown us so much out here and we are so blessed in every way. And I am so incredibly blessed to have Dan as my husband... he is an amazing man and I'm always surprised (though I shouldn't be) by how God is working in him and through him.

So tonight... I'm thinking sitting cuddling tv watching with my man... and some peace and quiet. Cheers y'all!