In the Morning

Father, your beauty is all I see this morning.  I desire to desire you.  I just want to want you because I know that all that you offer is more than any small pleasure here.  In my selfish pursuits, I feel how lacking in satisfaction everything is.  But just a taste of you…. Oh, and I just want more.

And it’s endless and soul-filling. It’s body-filling and heart-mending.  My eyes are satisfied in you.  My feet want to dance for you.  In you I feel complete acceptance and love.  No insecurity or worry or loss or fear. 

Why do I look anywhere else?  Abba, why do I stray from your arms to look for temporary, selfish, inadequate arms?  When I KNOW with all of who I am that YOU are more than enough… so much more than enough.

And you forgive me.  And you keep your arms open.  And you chase me down when I stray too far.  And you don’t hold it against me. When I’m without words, when my heart loves other things, when I turn away from your arms, when I ignore your Spirit in my soul, you still love me unchangingly.

How can any of this be true? How can I know it so well?  How can I believe it with all my being?  …and still wander… still sin… still tune out your voice. 

I love you, my good Father… My gracious Savior.  My Rescuer.  My Everything. 

I am never proven wrong to trust you.  I am never let down by your grace and mercy. 

And I know I can’t fabricate this love.  I cannot even make myself come before you.  

I can’t let go of myself to grab hold of You.  I am powerless.  Without breath or blood of my own.  You draw me.  You pull me.  You stop me.  You sing me awake from my self-induced sin-filled slumber. 

I do nothing good on my own.

I don’t even seek to do good on my own.

It is all you, Lord.  And I praise you and thank you for that.  That I am under your protection.  Your control.  Your goodness sustains me alone.  I am dirt until You.  I am bones until You. 

On this moment, I sit and praise you.  Only in this one.  This moment you have given me.  You have brought me once again to your feet.  That I am beckoned by the King is such an honor, unimaginably so. 

I am blessed beyond measure.  And I praise you with all that I am able.

Title

Sometimes I think I have something worth saying.

Sometimes I think I should say it aloud.

Sometimes I think I should write it.

Most of the time, I don’t.

Bear with me a moment… 

Because I miss my big brother.

And I want to tell anyone who supports missionaries that they need to give their money and let go of expectations.  Trust God.  It is hard living up to other people’s expectations when you really shouldn’t.  Allow them to be accountable only to God, just as you are.

I want my husband to be home.  I want him to have a good time in America.  But I want him to want to come back.

I’m ok with people coming and going.  I will still invest in you if you or I are leaving tomorrow. 

I am intrigued by being a minority.  I want to embrace things that are good for community, but I don’t want to fall into the same paranoid behavior that tends to come with the territory.

Trust is a difficult thing to grasp… and hold on to.

I am confident of a few specific things that God wants us to do here.  On the surface, none are astounding… None are world changing…  And if we do them right, we will fly right under the radar of the world and just deeply touch a few people.

I struggle daily with the dumbest temptations and sins.  And the littlest compromise of good causes me to slide ever gradually into foolish thoughts.  So don’t judge me for being a hard ass over convictions, what is wrong and right.  I don’t mess around with the grey area anymore if I can help it.

God help me, I am so self-centered.

I love art.  I wish I wasn’t so afraid of creating it.

As much as I really want to believe the opposite, I know I haven’t change all that much.  Except in maybe realizing that I really really really need God for every single aspect of my life.

Even as I wonder in what ways I am messing up my kids, I know that God will work it out and that I probably won’t even know what I did wrong until they are 25 years old and laughing about it.

Praise God for His sovereignty … even as I fumble here.

I’m not nearly as conflicted as I used to be about energy, time, and usefulness.

Related thought: I do think life gets better with age and I’m ok with the trade-off of not looking or feeling young.

No matter how illogical it is, I am just so much more cheerful on a sunny day.

I miss Phoenix.

But I love Kitale.

People are pretty much the same no matter where you go.  That is, in terms of humanity, the need to be loved and the brokenness that screams for a Savior.

I want what God wants of me/for me/for Him…. But some days I just want to lie down and sleep or zone out.  Not because I’m depressed, but because I’m truly tired or in pain. 

I don’t mind offending people with questions if it means it makes the conversation more honest (and interesting). 

My life is inundated with bread.

I don't have a best friend.  I don't want a best friend.  Jesus is enough.

I used to make fun of Dan for having commitment issues (aside from our marriage and the army).  But I've come to discover I have the same if not worse issues.

I don't mind moving.  Often.  Like once a year.  And now that we've done it internationally, I can't see why we wouldn't go anywhere.

I super dig how God guides us... specifically me.  That I can trust that and wait on it... and wait for it.

Sometimes I think rules are dumb - like literary rules.  For example, a composition should have a main point, flawless segues, and a conclusion.

Prepositional Fragments

I think I feel normal enough to feel distracted and abnormal.

  I suppose I need to clarify that.  Moving across the world is dramatic, I guess.  And being thrown into a foreign culture where I didn’t even know how to buy food and couldn’t talk in the language – yeah, that’s a little trying at times.  And what it requires is just sticking it out.  Just keep going.  Take a day at a time, staying humble and patient.  Trusting God and living on steam.  Something about being here is that finding a rhythm is pretty darn difficult.  Schedules are a ridiculous concept (which is so OK by me!).  Things that I was accustomed to taking for granted (… always having drinking water, electricity, internet, working doors, lights, outlets, cars, dependable repairmen, availability of petrol, propane, milk, eggs… etc.) are not reliable on any given day.  But really, it’s not as bad as all that sounds.  Humans are very adaptable. 

Sometimes I catch myself asking the Whys.  But I have a go-to answer for that: because God wants glory, He deserves it.  It’s all for Him.  And, yes, that means I often don’t understand what’s going on. Lol!

Sometimes I just get crabby, tired, and sore and I start deflecting. It generally doesn’t take me too long to realize the problem is in me.  And then I tuck my proud tail between my legs, take a shower, and hesitantly throw my selfishness at God’s feet.  I never regret this and soon enough I am weeping in repentance and thankfulness.  God is so good and patient with me.

Sometimes, I am just weary.  I can’t seem to remember why I would ever want to spend all day in the kitchen baking.  I don’t feel like reading.  I definitely don’t want to go to town or socialize.  I avoid teaching my kids… honestly, I try to avoid my kids altogether!  These are the best days for social interactions (even though I will adamantly deny it) and Dan knows this and will suggest I talk to my sis or mom or call up a chum here.  I say “I don’t wanna!” and pout. But being what we are and who were are here, someone inevitably (and gratefully!) will show up for some reason or another and it does me loads of good.  I actually love this.  I love unexpected guests.  I want everyone here to know that our home is always open to them.  And that, apparently, I need it J

There is a question I’ve never been good at answering.  “What have you been up to?” Cue blank stare and a shrug.  Um…. I don’t know.  Perhaps I’m living too much in the moment or I have some short term memory issues.  Either way, it’s frustrating.  Because I know that I have been having days – full of time and doing things.  I’ve always had this problem, however, even in the States.

But more frustrating lately (and perhaps so because it is asked of me more frequently here) is the question “Is there anything I can pray for you?” I fight off the shrug, but the blank stare is still there.  My mind is racing, searching thoroughly for the answer to the previous question (what have you been up to?) because perhaps there is a clue in there that would help me answer this question.  Surely there MUST be something I want prayed for!  ….. Crickets…..

Because I know I need prayer.  And I know that I want prayer.  But the specifics elude me. 

Guidance – a must!  And this is my fall back prayer request.  Not that it is to be taken for granted or of lesser value.  I just know that I need it – constantly.  Minute by minute.  Best prayer for me.

Honestly, there are things that I could list that I want.  But before I even verbalize them I realize that more than any of those things, I just want what God wants.  So I don’t want to pray for my ideas, but His. 

A growing joy in the Lord.  

                                                      To be excited about Him.  

                   To love His Word more than anything. 

 To hear the Spirit speak.  

                                                                                                                  To love as He loves.

   To know what to speak to whom and when.  

                           To preach the Word by how I live. 

 To value obedience and fear God.  

                    To drown daily in His goodness. 

                                  To walk away from meaningless talk. 

Maybe I should keep these on a piece of paper and whip them out when someone asks me ;)

Maybe I should stop trying to answer with circumstantial temporary issues. 

Maybe I should just pray that God lay on people’s hearts exactly what I need prayed for. 

Afterall, I love praying for specific prayer requests… But I love even more when God out of the blue puts someone on my heart and tells me what to pray for them.  That way He gets even more glory.  And I’m amazed by His personal involvement in our lives.  The small things that He shows up in. 

To Him. Through Him. By Him. With Him. Near Him.  For Him. 

My God is a prepositional God.  Let’s serve, love, obey, share Him in prepositional fragments.  

Mothers Day

I hate Mothers Day. 

I will tell you why. First of all, I love my mom.  I know so many wonderful mothers.  I think they do a great job with what God has given them.  But let’s not skip over that last part: God has given mothers their job.  I’m a stickler for the big picture, what matters most, what it really boils down to, and most importantly what God says in His Word. 

No, God doesn’t ever mention Mothers Day in the bible. Lol.

But what He does mention is Himself.  And that is pretty much the bulk of the bible.  About God.  What He has done, is doing, will do.  How amazing He is.  How He calls people.  How He s sovereign.  It’s about Him, through and through.  The holidays/festival He set up were about Him or pointed to Him in some fashion.  He never fails to remind us over and over how He is in control and He is good and He is the one who deserves glory.  And how NOTHING ELSE deserves the attention that He deserves.

And that’s it.  I hate Mothers Day because people stop at mom.  For years this has made me uncomfortable, and I couldn’t identify why exactly.  The day was almost always disappointing even if I had low expectations.  I was thrown into this position of trying to convince myself that I deserved some sort of recognition or special treatment.  People all around patting me on the back, giving accolades for a job well done – Really??

A job well done?

I don’t know about everyone else, but I know that on a regular basis I screw up this job pretty well.  I happen to know that I actually DON’T deserve a pat on the back.  I love my kids, I do my best, and I honestly seek good for them.  But the fact that I’ve kept this job is beyond me.  Why would God look down and determine that I deserve this responsibility?  I mean, it’s HUGE.  God knows I lack in so many ways.  It is by His unfathomable mercies that I am even allowed to raise, nurture, and love my boys. I should have been fired years ago!

So I must redirect this day towards Him.  I really  must.  As much as we can say that we planned these kids, we know we actually had no control over the conception of these lives.  That was God in His goodness allowing me to sign up for a job that I had no skill to do well.  But He saw.  He knew that by allowing me to be a mother, by giving me my kids to raise, I would become a better kid to Him.  I would understand His love a little better.  I would marvel at His patience knowing how quickly my own would be exhausted.  I would seek Him when I finally realized how little control I have over these young lives. 

Today is a day I can turn to God and fall at His feet and wonder at His goodness and His mercy.   

Today is NOT about me.  

It’s not about moms.  

It’s about Him. 

Let’s not ever forget that. 

It Doesn't Make Sense...

I woke up this morning with a headache.  


When I tried to sit up, my heart started pounding and I felt faint.


No, I'm not sick.


I have God allowed limitations.  I've discussed this before.  I've bemoaned the seeming smallness of my existence in terms of accomplishment and unquenched ambition.  


But it's a lovely thing to admit that am no longer disappointed in this state of being.


I love my life.  Honestly.  Whole-heartedly.  I am in love with what God has given me. 


Even today as I endure burning pain from a yesterday spent in unregrettable busy.  


Even today as I listen to fighting kids.


Even today as I ponder how to make the best use of the two rooms in my mother's house she has graciously allowed us to use as a transitionary home until we depart for Kenya.


It doesn't make sense...  but I am brimming with joy.


But then again, God's love doesn't make sense.  My Father did not just forgive my aberrant ways and allow me to continue to live amongst the incredible blessings of this world.  


He did not just put me back where I should have been.


No.  I can't even believe it most of the time, but He BLESSED me above and beyond what I could ever pretend to earn from a life lived in near complete obedience. 


How can I not just LOVE this God?  The One who made everything... but then saved His ultimate affection for ME!  (and you, too... of course)  And when He found us in sin, HE made the sacrifice to right our relationship with Him.  And then HE takes the sin we still conceive, the evils of the world and says "I will will make this even better for you than you can imagine."  


His love is so incomprehensible, I am frustrated by worded limitations and my own addled mind.  But my soul... through it, through the Holy Spirit (God dwelling in me?!  Amazingly insane!) I can perceive a taste of something so great all I can do in melt in His arms and dream of living with Him forever.


How can I NOT just adore our God?  How can I not praise Him with every breath?  Emotion aside, I KNOW this truth that stirs in my heart even in pain.  Even when my world seems broken by difficult relationships, I can hear my soul singing "God is enough... and so much more."  


And I hang on to this.  Yahweh has blessed me with this knowing.  He has allowed me to be humbled before Him, to SEE how small I am, how much I truly need Him.  And what's more - how much I desperately love Him in all things. No. Matter. What.


Some might say, it doesn't make sense what we are doing... packing up our lives and moving to Africa.  Some might say, it doesn't make sense that we have no set plans, no organization that we are a part of, that we have no training or discernable skills of which to speak.  Some might say, it doesn't make sense to have such peace and joy during the stresses and changes of moving and chaos.  


I say that makes a lot more sense than what God has already done for us and is continuing to do for us... every day, every hour, every moment.  


I can only hope to be more senseless everyday for Him, too. 


My heart is with you, Yah <3  

The Hard Way

...I have learned that to sin is to inflict pain on myself.  

...I have learned that to sin is to willingly taste death.  

...I have learned that godly guidance is hard to find… even among God’s people. 

...I have learned that I need to place everything in the context of glorifying God… because when I don’t then I run the risk of idolatry. 

...I have learned that God is faithful to save, that the Holy Spirit never abandons us, that the only choice that fills me with joy without fail is the choice to focus on God and His ways.  Logic, emotion, physical, spiritual all find their complete rest in God. 

This I have learned. This I now know.

Wilderness

I am in the wilderness.

Oh, of course it’s easy to equate what I am going through with what I am reading in Exodus. Don’t we simple humans tend to find connection through proximal experiences? But I won’t deny that God works in this way.

I am definitely uncomfortable. How many times have I cried out in despair to Yahweh in the past 3 weeks? My aching spirit, my starving soul… so desperate to find an oasis from which I could drink in comfort and peace over my situation.

How dearly and wrongly I hold on to my desires for my own fleshly fulfillment. How I daily struggle to fight off my thoughts wandering back to my days in Egypt. How quickly I forget the pains of slavery that held me captive there. How can I cry out against my freedom? Just because it’s hard? Because it’s new? Because it requires me to trust the Unseen Love that delivered me? How weak I am!

If God delivered me from that slavery, how can I not trust Him to save me when it pursues me in the desert? Has He put Himself there as a pillar of protection against my enemy? Is He calling me to move forward, even though it looks impossible? Will He show me a supernatural exit to escape, where His glory is seen? Where I cannot take any credit for a battle won? Oh that my God would open my eyes and keep me from unbelief!

And what did Yehoveh do in the wilderness? He tested the Israelites. He taught them. He showed them His presence, His provision. He taught them to rely on Him… not Moses. Not Aaron. Him.

This is leads to a thought: If I were truly in a wilderness, I would have to rely on Him entirely. COMPLETELY. God did not say, “Ok, folks I understand this is hard, I have set up some psychologists and counselors to help you cope with what happened. They will help you work through your thought processes and figure out why you are feeling the way you do.” I often wonder if we really get the complete reliance on God Himself…

And what is the alternative here…. “If Yahweh is God, then follow Him!” says Elijah (1Kings 18). There is NO alternative. What if the Israelites had turned around? What if they had denied Yahweh’s power? But really, how could they have? And how can WE??

Bottom line: we would be idiots to deny the power and love of Yehoveh. We would be mindless and blind to NOT follow Him wherever He leads. So the path is painful… and we can’t see how we will even make it another step. There is no water. No food. How much we need Him! How desperately we need Him in this desert life… and what an amazing story it will tell to follow Him and watch His glory be known through our trust!