Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Jealous Kind

I wish you weren’t so out of my grasp. 

But you bless me with a taste here… a peek there… and I see you, or what I perceive is You, for a moment.  A slight, beautiful oh too quick moment.

We all long to be filled with that chest clenching, heart wrenching feeling.  An overwhelming over-filling of You, love for You, love from You.  We seek that day in and day out.  We forget the Source.  We try to imitate it. 

It’s not in my coffee cup.

It’s not in my marriage.

It’s not in the sunrise.

Where are You, Oh God!  I ache for knowing you better… but I can rest here knowing someday I will know You forever. 

Until then, forgive me Father… because I cheat daily.  I seek my own desires.  I complain because I don’t have the attention I want.  I worship… but it’s not You.  And inside my soul, I break a little.  And I get mad.

These momentary pleasures.  Faux love.  Imitation joy.  Saturating my skin with dirt.  And I scrub and scrub and jump back in the mud.

Yet, you are faithful.  Why?

When the thing I seek in all the wrong places comes perfectly from You.  But I don’t recognize it.  It’s too pure.  Too clean.  Too much.  I’m always ready to settle for less.  And then whine about it.

Let my spirit sleep.

Let my mind be sharpened against your will.

Let my heart know.

Let my body sense Your presence.

Because I need it. Desperately.  Second by second. I am too weak.  I am too blind.  I need you to help me see You.

I wish there were a song that were enough to express.

Words are empty before You and are dry coming off my tongue.

I have nothing to bring You, my Savior… but my willingness to be completely Yours.  Even that is irrepressibly flawed.

But it’s what you ask of me.  Such a small thing. God, help me bring this small thing to you every chance there is.

Because I have tasted.  I have seen a glimpse.  And just a crumb of Your love is enough to fill me.

Oh fill me with You! That there is room for nothing else!

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